2019 · In my Head

Mistakes, Regrets, Heal – The Process

I have become more liberal than ever before. I am not sure whether this is just a phase or maybe I was never who I thought I was. I have broken a lot of principles and made various bad decisions over the last few months that I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. Oh, I started using curse words too.

My head is both empty and full and I cannot think. The headaches have escalated to migraines and somehow it’s like I am staring at myself from outside my body and watching me make those mechanical decisions. The dizziness has worsened and my eye sight is deteriorating too. Hell, I even made a horrible mistake in my market report on Tuesday because I couldn’t see the figures well.

Praying is harder these days, to pray I have to let go and start afresh. I have to admit all the wrongs and focus on doing right. I cannot focus, I cannot think. Hold on a second, what exactly does “doing right mean”? I mean, if it does not hurt anyone else but yourself, why should it be wrong. And if it makes you happy, why should it be wrong too. I am not sure I am making a point here as my head is turning, my eyes are leaking, and it feels like I am slowly fading into oblivion. Precious is just tired. And taking a full day off work just made me worse off. There’s this quote about how resting won’t help where it is your soul itself that is tired. I think my soul is tired this time.

I talk to Dayo, an analyst where I intern. Dayo does not just care about everything – the societal expectations, religious dilemmas, moral restrictions, male ego and life uncertainties. He just simply lives and let live. I wonder if that’s where I would find my peace. Just living, breaking rules and making mistakes. But the thing about making mistakes is that there is always a line and beyond that line are irreversible consequences. You see, it is easy to say “damn the consequences” now. Especially if you are as young as I am and have hardly made attempts to taste the other sides.

My point is this, there are consequences always for your decisions. I will live with mine and the fact that my head’s empty and full now would not avail me of the costs of my mistakes later. If you are young and living a carefree life right now, this is a reminder that it is okay to make mistakes. But don’t pretend there is no price to pay for them. Tega decided to drop school, to pursue his passion for music. I thought it was a stupid mistake and of course I told him to his face. Without a degree, what would you do dear friend?. There are many Tegas everywhere, and I think it is bold, brave and beautiful – to just decide to do what you want to do and stare the consequences in the face. You are free to choose to get married at 20, to dropout of school, to choose not to believe in anything, to get out of your 30-year marriage, to resign from your job or just let go of someone you love. It is also okay to have regrets. You will surely heal.

This is to the stupid things I have been doing. The unreasonable decisions I am going to make. And most of all, the consequences I will definitely face. Most of all, to the person I am going to become when all this is done.

Preshy Lala

Push CreditDayo; you inspire me to live a different life

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3 thoughts on “Mistakes, Regrets, Heal – The Process

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