Hugging someone you love and being hugged tighter in return. The feeling of home in a person.
Staring through the window from the back seat of a bus and watching different persons walk by. You realize you’re one of a billion people in existence and maybe no one, not even the Creator cares you’re alive. And in the appearance of perfection in certain transient beings, you suddenly wish your life was different and somehow you were older, prettier, richer, smarter or at least luckier.
The uncertainty in your belly and constriction of your chest when you remember the first four lines of a poem from an English textbook in primary 4 even though you cannot recollect the name or face of your English teacher anymore.
“What has fate in store for me,
Riches , happiness and all the best?
Poverty, misery and all the worst?
I must now have my future unfolded”
And somehow in your nine-year-old head you’re conscious of how unsure, full of doubt life is and how the fear of the morrow is the greatest of all fears.
Climbing the kitchen wooden stool to look through the mirror lens on the front door, wondering if someday you’d grow tall enough to see through without a stool. Contemplating if you’d ever be tall enough, big enough, old enough. Pondering if life would let you grow up.
The nostalgic feeling of wanting to be young again and reliving certain moments all over.
-Hearing Don Williams and Kenny Rogers play from the audio player in your Father’s room and trying to cram the lyrics of “Cowards of County” and “I believe in you”.
-Being unable to sleep every afternoon, while praying everyone else naps for the next one year like the characters in “Sleeping Beauty” so you can continue to read a book, day dream or play with yourself alone on the floor in the sitting room, for forever.
Walking a lengthy lonely road all by yourself. Kicking up dusts and thinking about everything and nothing. And hoping that suddenly, along the way, you’d meet a miracle that would change your life and bring a smile.
The numb feeling when you receive the news of a person’s death. All you want to know was their last thoughts.
Trying to figure out when and how you’d die.
– Maybe while out swimming with friends, you’d feel a tightening in your chest from water trying to choke your breath. A certain form of cleansing, baptism – if indeed this is how it feels to drown.
Or maybe on a sad, cold depressed evening you’d choose to overdose on pills because it’s easier and peaceful.
And if you’re lucky, you’d perchance grow old with a glow at your side, after a lifetime together, hands clasped in true love that really was forever, as your spirits fly into the heavens.
Whichever way it happens, you know it would be nice to get a notification before it’s time. Maybe then you’d do it right. Yeah, get to die right.
Lastly, finding yourself in darkness. After existence. And realizing there’s no heaven, hell or forever. It’s just you alone with your memories in nothingness.