In my Head

You have now become proud 

It was the early hours of this Monday morning. This time, I wasn’t interested in mesmerizing in the dawn, pondering on how the Morning remembers to wake up every single day and wondering what will happen if he oversleeps and resumes late one day.

Yes, I overslept and was late today.

I saw the young woman as I raced on with the bike man trying to beat time. Head tightly covered with a scarf, skirt almost to her knees and speaker in hands, I did not have to listen, she was trying to fulfill the “Great commission”, her major purpose on the earth as a Christian. I did not have to check my phone either for the time, it was 5:30am.

All I wanted to do was scream:

Aunty, people are sleeping. Someone stayed up till 2am doing something last night – working, loving, living, surviving. If you really cared about their salvation, you could wait till day or evening to condemn them and remind them about how they lied last night and would have gone to hell if they hadn’t woken up. Oh sorry, you wanted to tell them about Jesus’ love? Hell! Why make it an alarm?

Then I realized I wasn’t who I used to be. Precious has changed and it seems this girl is now proud. A year ago I’d have shivered at speaking against the preaching Christian. Even if they were speaking nonsense in the bus, it was more important that they were preaching in public about God. Now, it seems I’m losing my salvation, criticizing the actions of the speaker of the “truth”.

Few months back, a friend had to inbox me. He says, A, B, C have gone mad. They do not believe in God, I do not want our friends to go to hell fire.

The who I used be would have panicked, immediately opened the scriptures, selected the verses of fear and damnatiom and passionately “converted” these mad men into the light.

However, Precious is now proud, so she says:

A speaks about history of the Church, how they murdered so many people in the name of the gospel, altered truths and covered up certain things. He wants to know how to believe in such shady foundation of a supposed “truth”

B speaks about logic, discrepancies, faults in the Bible

C doesn’t have any tight religious background, so he’s a free thinker and believes in all religions and the existence of various deities and wants to know why your own belief should be supreme to the rest.

You cannot tell people not to ask questions, not to try to discover, because that’s why we’re human and have a mind. If you cannot answer their questions, leave them and let them believe in what they want to believe in.

He wonders, “Has Precious now gone mad too?”. No, she’s now proud.

Then last night, Dumz talks about the video of a woman who went to hell and came back to warn people. She says so many things are forbidden and we’re going to be tormented forever for every little sneeze, stolen match stick, slight blunder.

But Precious is now proud, so she hisses and says she doesn’t believe in these things. She can no longer live in fear of these things that held her bound for so many years wondering if she’d ever make heaven or would forever burn in flames.

I sit at the window of this faulty bus, staring at the passing vehicles. Different people on different journeys. Some with speed, some slow. Some learners, some experts. One with certainty of his destination, another asking for direction.

I sit here and remember the days where I shivered in confusion, breathed in the fear of eternal damnation and prayed so hard for a mercy I already had.

I’ve certainly not reached the stage where I can ask too many questions and try to discover too much. I sit in my little box of shaped beliefs, yet I would never again try to stop people from questioning what is seen as untouchable and I do not give evasive, hazy answers anymore. I do not fear speaking against acts I know isn’t logical because I fear hell. Hell, I now tell people to shut the hell up without calculating how many curse words I used altogether today.

Point is, I’m growing in this journey. Yesterday, I used to fear asking questions speaking out and thinking hard because I wanted to make heaven. Today, I’m no longer a slave to fear. I ask whatever I want to ask, say whatever I feel like saying and question whatever I want to question.

Because I’m Precious and I’ve become proud.

Tomorrow, I do not know for sure who I’d be. But yeah, I’m evolving and I see a stronger, prouder woman ahead.


3 thoughts on “You have now become proud 

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