You gaze at the stars for hours in silence and solitude. Someone passes by and thinks, “deep thinker”.
But only you knows how blank your mind is, with little fragments of scattered thoughts like the stars in the sky.
The first day of every new month is like a checkpoint where you look back at where you started, look in at where you are now and forward at where you’re going.
You do not understand how exactly two months crawled, walked, ran and then flew but you know for sure the year’s on a swift race and you have to choose whether you’re on the track or at the sideline.
The long list of goals undone over the months stare at you, shaking their heads in the fashion of a Yoruba mother. O ma se o. It’s a pity.
Your excuses smile sleekly at you with content, the expression on their faces similar to that which a rat gives you after helping itself to the bread you planned as your breakfast.
2016 was rigid, I want 2017 to be more spontaneous, you say.
But the thing about spontaneity and waiting for the right moment is that you’d wait forever for that divine push for motivation. There’s no check on your laziness to complete those half-written drafts or your nonchalance about opportunities slowly dancing past you.
Basically, February was a great month for me. I decided to take certain risks, go the extra mile to remind myself about who I really am and what I seemed to be forgetting, tried to check up on old friends though I couldn’t keep up and I worked hard at ensuring I went for whatever I really wanted. However, I feel extremely under-achieved and rightly so. February was a bundle of half-written drafts, procrastination, making excuses and time-wasting. Positively, it turned out to be a month of love for me where I decided to let my butterflies flutter.
Here’s what I discovered so far.
Friendship – I realized that I basically had no real deep friendship and all my relationships were superficial to an extent. I was at a point where I needed to talk to someone about so many things and I realized I really didn’t have anyone in particular I could comfortably let it all out too. What if I was suicidal and on the verge of taking drugs, what friend would I call who would actually take me serious? I figured nobody. Isn’t it funny how we can be surrounded by so many people and yet nobody?
Faith – At this point in my life, I’ve decided to block my ears totally to any form of arguments on faith, logic or what the scripture says. It’s mentally tiring to have people try to mess up your belief system and because you’re not so mature you almost begin to sway and the confusion starts all over. I’ve decided I would believe what I would believe in and draw a thick fat round line around it with me growing on my own. Whoever wants to join me is definitely allowed in but no one’s pulling me out of my own faith zone.
Dreams – To be honest, I think I’m scared and too proud to admit this. 2016 was the first time I’d set personal life goals and work towards achieving them. In fact, I got most of what I wanted out of the year (Sighs! Except photography). Hell, it was hard and stressful but I dreamt big and got what I wanted. Here’s 2017 and I’ve been holding myself back from dreaming bigger. In fact I’ve been considering limiting myself and focusing solely on my academics but that’s apparently mediocre and mediocrity is one thing I never want to be associated with.
Fear : My five greatest fears have always been – disappointing God, disappointing people who expect so much from me, fear of failure, snakes and helplessness. So far, I think I’ve been able to manage the first and third. I’ve discovered God isn’t pleased with me based on what I do or do not do but rather based on what Jesus as done. Knowing God cannot be disappointed in me because I believe in him is as beautiful as the gift of redemption and I’m glad I can now let go. I do not know for sure if there’s anyone who doesn’t get scared of failing after trying so hard but I believe I’m at the point where this fear cannot limit me anymore and I’d rather dare to fail than not try at all. That’s two less fears to conquer before the year ends.
Feelings: I made a major life decision recently which is to CHOOSE MY DAY. I tend to let my emotions dictate my decisions, actions and reactions and this I’ve discovered is a depressing way of living. Here’s what I wrote on my PC sticky notes to motivate myself every morning
Life is not about feelings
Separate feelings from your decisions
CHOOSE YOUR DAY!
I choose to have a great day
I choose to be happy
I choose to be productive with my time
So I told a friend, “Any day I complain about being unhappy or depressed, remind me about today and how I’ve decided never ever to be unhappy because my joy isn’t dependent on situations anymore”.
At this point, I realized I had four F’s with only Dreams starting with a D. I’m tempted to check a thesaurus for a synonym starting with F lol but hey Discover starts with a D too and isn’t the goal Self discovery?!
So here’s to dreaming big, being dynamic, diligent, dedicated, disciplined and different this new month.
Happy New Month beautiful people. Let’s make March marvellous, shall we?