To me and to you 

For Cannon, who taught me I can never be anyone else

Dear Tee,

Isn’t it funny how time’s so fast, yet so slow? Those nights under the moon with Aunt A where we argued what we wanted to be. 

You’d say, “I want to be a scientist. Then I’d cure HIV AIDS”  

I’d say, “I want to be a doctor” … Because I already used Nurse and Lawyer the week before. 

Those nights where we dreamt little dreams of a future so far, it felt it’d never come. 
Tee, the future is here and I’m dead tired, exhausted… Pretending I’m stronger than the demons around me. I planned to write this on my birthday tomorrow, I’d finally be an adult – not Common Law standards. Yet, I’m scared if I wait I’d remain lost then and if I’m lost as an adult, I’d probably be lost forever. 
I’m scared it’d be like my sixteenth birthday, I waited for a difference there was none. She wasn’t taller, fatter, smarter. It was like she was still fifteen. 
I think I’ve finally figured who I want to be. After years of following your dreams and living your goals, I think I’m now me, who I’m supposed to be. 

Truth is, you were the “Taiwo” and I, the “Kehinde”. Testing the waters with both legs was your job and mine to follow your steps after. 

Now I know I’d never be able to sing as good as you do and I’d be kicked out of any band, replaced with that cute Mary y’all wanted to date. 

Dancing and drawing, they’re not for me. So I’d quit mimicking your dance moves and tracing out your artwork, blaming God for creating me talentless. 

Rapping, creative writing, extrovertism, adult conversation – you did them all flawlessly. You were even a mini god at breaking rules while I never had the confidence to do same. 

Truth is, you were my real role model – not mum, dad or Dora Akinyuli. I’d believe your theory over Albert Einstein’s, were you ever wrong? 

That first class in LLT Law where Mrs Olomola asked, “Why did you choose to study Law?” 

Eyes tightly closed, heart raised to the highest of the heavens, I prayed she called me not. 

How would I explain that I’m studying Law because Tee chose to study Law and his steps, I follow. 

Now ‘Mamami’  is a little adult with her own goals, dreams and aspirations. 

I’ve decided I would no longer wait for you test the waters anymore. I’d make my own decisions and pay my own consequences. I’m ready to take risks, make sacrifices and rebel life standards, though many years late. 

Yet, I want to run to your room in tears screaming, “I can’t take it anymore, Law is hard and life’s harder!!”

Then in my head I see that look on your face saying silently, 

“Hey, don’t get mushy on me that’s the number 1 rule. Stay strong, only weak people cry. Fight those battles while I seat and wait. I’d only come in when it gets too hard but the number 2 rule remains that nothing must be too hard for you”

So I turn back in feigned braggadocio, pretending I have a plan to overcome life’s uncertainties. 

 I’d pretend I’m fine and close my eyes shut when that throbbing headache drives me dizzy and tries to force out those forbidden salty liquid from my eyelids. 

I’d pretend I’m ready for my exams in the next three weeks when all I see is blurred images. 

I’d pretend I’m not scared that after starting so well, I might not give mom and dad their big first class Lawyer dream. 

I’d pretend I’m not scared of the Law school grading system. 

I’d pretend I’m not scared that after seven years of studying Law, I’d just end up as one of the Law graduates without a name to be remembered. 

I’d pretend I’m not scared I’m getting old too fast and yet too slow. 

I’d pretend I’m not scared about yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

So I’d just pretend I can fight my demons alone and on my own. 

Presh, the tired and scared dreamChaser 

About to begin a new phase; still the same, yet changed. 


She Conquered One

There’s no more beautiful feeling than finishing a project you started – finally getting a degree, seeing an excellent examination result, dotting the last sentence of a writeup, ending a successful tenure.. I could go on. 

Today my fellowship’s Evangelism week came to an end and I’m so glad it went so well. Of course, God started it and finished it. 

Few months back, I slowly started regretting accepting the responsibility of coordinating Evangelism. 

What do I know about preaching to people? 

I don’t even know the Bible so much 

I solemnly promised myself:

Next year Precious you’re rejecting any such duty. You’re not ready for leadership. 

But hey, She came, she saw, she conquered… Yaaay. 

I decided to make out a list of things I learnt from taking out this position:

  • We Judge too fast: I pride myself in being understanding and empathic of people’s decisions and actions. I’m that annoying friend that would make excuses for the person you’re ranting to me about. Turns out, I’m not as understanding afterall. During one of the Evangelism rounds, I paired people to go visiting and I personally picked my partner randomly. While we were leaving together, she started speaking in Jenifaric  English and I could feel my tummy suppress and my chest constrict – I couldn’t breathe anymore. If you don’t know, mimicking Jenifa is one thing I do not like. I began to regret my partner choice.

She kept on talking about everything and anything and when she started criticising a particular religious sect I decided I didn’t like her one bit (don’t judge me for judging her hun). Then she stopped to buy corn and told the woman, “Enikan duro de wa”, which means there’s someone waiting for us. My brain screamed, “Liar! We’re going to evangelize.” 

Turns out, this girl really is an amazing, deep Christian. I was wrong, judged her too fast, disliked her too early and I’m glad I met someone so cool. 

  • There are beautiful People– What else can I use to describe people who sacrificed time, money, energy and their all to make the week a success? Members of my fellowship who had so many obligations including final year students with projects and a friend with swollen eyes. They supported all through and helped to bring smiles on people’s faces. And my amazing classmates who gave out despite the recession for the orphanage visit, Sighs! Beautiful people everywhere. 
    • Leadership involves sacrifice: At this moment, I’m tempted to shout “I swear”.  There were points I got frustrated of life dealing me hard blows of stress and moments I had to forgo certain important events to me.  

    Had to ask Chi, “Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I was just a student, no church excoship, no LSS position, no L and D, no chess and  every other thing I’m engaged  in I can’t remember rn. Would I be happier? Better academically? Less stressed and worried?”
    He says, “I don’t think *YOU* would. Almost certain you would be more stressed n worried…”  (directly copied from whatsapp) 

    Of course, he’s right. I’d die of doing nothing. 

    I think the greatest test of Leadership wasn’t just my trying so hard to arrive before anyone else (I ended up failing though) but was at the Orphanage visit today. 

    Am I a hypocrite for shrinking back for a few seconds when that little skinny kid with sores and scars ran to hug me before I carried him up? 

    Am I pitiful for being scared I’d catch a disease when the sicklooking kids touched me? 

    Am I weak for needing one very big hug in the presence of suffering and pain? 

    Is it disappointing that I cried when I should have stood tall like the view of underfed sick children didn’t faze me? 

    I do not know. I’m still learning to be a leader. 

    ρя£sђ¥  ℓąℓą