This is a three in one article and it might be lengthy, kindly permit me. The fact that I have not written in a while is not because there was nothing to write about but because I have truly been busy. Very busy. (Ps: I started the birthday writeup on the 30th of October and never got to edit and post)
The time says 11:37pm and somehow, I hope I would complete this post before 12. Yet if I do not, I understand it does not really matter because I have grown and with growth comes understanding. Today, I turned 19.
I believe it is a criminal offence to own a personal blog and not write a birthday post. Notwithstanding my other pending responsibilities, I write this even as the day comes to an end. Truth is, I planned to breeze through today, take time out to maybe quietly ruminate on why I have had pimples since JSS1 alongside other serious philosophical questions. Somehow, it turned out a whole lot different and yet I want to shout Eureka, I have found it.
For those who do not know my age, I am 19. I learnt to pretend I was older than my age from secondary school and some way, I thought it was easier to get respect and escape the awful jokes made at younger persons by pretending I was the same age as the bullies. But truth is, while we all made awful jokes at Marvellous for being 14 and immature, I was also 14 too not 16. And slowly, I learnt to be ashamed of my real age, at being too young to be so smart and then lie I was older to be let into the adult jokes and escape the ridicule thrown at younger persons for simply being young.
But today I became 19 and today I have decided to be 19. I have decided to not care if anyone thinks I am too young to be a year 3 law student, to have achieved certain things or to be aiming to achieve certain things.
Somehow, this is getting cliché on my blog but indeed I am grateful today. For religion, that makes death less fearful. For family, my origin and squad. For friends, ever supportive and full of love. For myself, because I have grown.
A week back I thought my life was a mess because I had so many things to do and somehow it felt like I wasn’t in control. I might have cried a couple of times but this only proves I do not have it easy as it seems and I do deal with my fears, sometimes with tears. I have two debates coming up and truth is I am scared. Scared of that one thing I do not know yet when I would overcome it, failure.
They say man is evil, mean and wicked. But today all I see is beautiful people. Or maybe I have never met man himself. To call specific names of persons who made 19 worth looking forward is an avenue to commit the offence of omission and yet I have to call certain names.
Dear john, thank you for passing by one random Sunday and listening to a stranger. Dear Nifemi, thank you for always being the best you can be, it amazes me every day. Dear Moyo, thank you for reminding me of how much I have grown, sometimes I do forget. Dear Bakar, thanks for eventually being the one to make me cry, your beautiful words are inscribed in stone. Dear beautiful people, thank you for being beautiful people and reminding a girl of what love means. Dear Precious, thank you for being me and I you. Most of all, Dear God, thank you for being a father to a silly, lazy, confused 19-year-old girl still trying to understand who you are and how she fits into your plan.
For everyone who described me as “full of life”, I would try my best to indeed live life and not disappoint you guys.
Happy 19th birthday Precious Akinkuolie. Do not forget to value love and friendship. Do not take people for granted. Do not stop being you, even the newer version that evolves every day. And most of all, when it seems like someone has taken over the wheels of your life and you are not in control, remember you have two options. To either snatch the wheels, sit comfortably on the car seat and decide how you want your life to go or you can move to the other seat and calmly leave the fight for control to God while scrolling through Instagram and wasting your data on Maraji.
The truth is people who smile might not be happy and behind the laughter and excitement might be rivers of tears and a lot of breakdowns. I have reached that point in the semester where I start questioning the decisions that brought me to where I am. Though this time I do not question why I decided to study law and not psychology or sociology that I could have probably passed easily, but rather I wonder how I became involved in so many things that I really am unable to breathe. Actually, I literally am unable to breathe.
The fact is most people consider me oversabi or too ambitious due to my interest in so many activities. At a point, I might have started listening until Diran said something like, “this generation does so little that when a person finally does a little more it seems like too much”. This stuck yeah and indeed has kept me going. But somehow, I cracked under the pressure and a little health issue might have played a huge role in this too. With so many tests coming up, a summit, the debates and the fact that I had only completely read only one course out of 7 and somehow my CGPA decided to sway to and fro like a tattered kite from the poem “boy on a swing” coupled with a terrible ex-best friend, I ended up with a mental collapse. But with good friends come strength to go through anything and if I learnt anything from this breakdown, it is to stay away from toxic people or anyone or anything that brings stress or problem in any unnecessary manner, not because I am self-centered but because I understand the importance of a good mental state to life. (just in case you are down, depressed or going through a breakdown, please stay away from drugs, kick out toxicity and hold on to beautiful and good friends).
And yes, this is the best part. For those who know me well, this is my greatest fear and the reason why when I try new things I tell no one until it works out so when I fail I get to deal with it alone. I write this post about three hours after my debate at Jaw war and after a lot of tears (It’s hard writing so many personal stuffs here as it feels I’m saying too much and opening up too wide, yet I try to tell myself it’s important I come back a long time later to measure how much I have grown and see how far I have come).
I have had two failures back to back and if I am to add my tort test where I used the wrong principles and cases especially describing a monkey as a non-dangerous animal and a dog as dangerous under the tort of strict liability relating to animals (if you don’t understand the legal jargons just skip lol), then we are counting three. The first was when I forgot my lines at a debate competition and ruined my partners chance of winning a large sum of money even when he gave a 100% perfect speech and the second, today where I lost a competition I worked really hard for. At this point, I can totally claim I have lost whatever speaking skills I have with this back to back failure and total wastage of every single hard work, sleepless night, horrible back positions I had to put into it. But isn’t this disappointing Mr. Adeniyi and claiming his hours of trainings and constant belief in me in ss2 was useless? And maybe as my second speaker said today, “good things fall apart so better things can fall in place”.
Truth is, I don’t think I have overcome my fear of failure or I will anytime soon but is insisting I want to speak again and try again a sign of progress? I really do not know.
Just so you know, my heart did not drum today like it did the yesterdays and maybe someday I would wear my failure with pride and agree I have tried. But until then, I only pray that I don’t get disappointed, rejected or have to cry to sleep anymore because what I worked hard for did not fall into place.
Dear beautiful people especially you who cared enough to read to the end, let’s live and not breeze through life, cry and not fake the smile and constantly remind ourselves we are greater than our very own imagination, shall we?